I’m horrible at keeping up with everything sometimes. I’m just so overwhelmed with the long to do and get done list right now.
I’m working on maybe one too many projects outside of the farm. Stuff that I really shouldn’t be focusing on right now as there are so many other additional priorities. I just can’t let any of it drop for a couple of reasons.
One… ever have this dream of doing something BIG and I do mean really, really big to help others? Well, I have had this vision and dream since 2009. I can’t talk about it fully right now but when I can, I’ll be over the moon to share the news. Every year since 2009, there has been one barrier after another… financial logjams, not enough time, too many distractions, schooling, phone calls to fix financial nightmares and beating my head against brick walls. WELL, NO MORE! Now is the time. Even if I, personally, really don’t have the time or extra energy.
Two… I don’t want to hold back help from others because I’m struggling. My whole life has been a struggle and I truly want to do this all to help myself, help my friends and help others that I have yet to meet. This is very important to me, right down to the very fiber of who I am. This is something that needs to get launched…NOW!
I know I’m yelling a little… kind of a pep talk to myself on why I put myself through all this extra, all the headaches, all the fights and struggles. In my heart, I know this is what I am meant to do. I know how much this has all changed my life and if I can help even one person, just one, then I will achieve a goal I’ve sat on since 2009.
What bothers me the most is I feel so guilty over now doing it sooner. Who could I have saved? Who could I have made a difference with if I had just fought harder, worked more?
I have so many fears about doing this. Backlash from others, my past haunting me (even though the most crucial was out of my control) and others trying to steal my dreams. I am determined, alright maybe just too damn stubborn, to let it go. I am passionate about it because I want no one to live the way I have.
Constant depression, anxiety and fear residing on the shoulder with the little angel saying I can’t do this because it exposes too much of the inside of me that I have kept hidden for so damn long. Anger, resentment and drive to prove others wrong associated with that little devil, the words engraved into the tines of fork.
My days are consumed with moving forward, trying to drop the baggage of the past abuses and ailments. I am going to fight for this dream as long as I have breath in my body. It must be done! It just must.
So for now, my days are balanced between developing a plan for the next 3-5 years and working the farm. I’m writing papers, developing timelines and checking off to do list boxes all while waiting for piglets to arrive, taking care of the animals and trying to stay on top of this nightmare of financial issues, family problems and so much more.
There will be days I’m just testy and bitchy. There will be days that I’m a ball of tears and tissues. There will be days that I will be a bull in a china shop. Take it in stride, forgive me if I snap and please forgive my daily, not so daily posts.