Well… my schedule is very OCD with the times I hit the farm for chores. If I run late, I have angry animals. If I’m early, the animals almost act confused. I’m sort of the same way. Let me explain…
I know I farm and everything changes on any given day, but let me tell you just how off my game it makes me. I end up lost and forget steps in what I’m doing. It doesn’t matter if I do the same order of tasks twice a day, I just feel off. It’s like someone forgot to synchronize my feet and hands with my brain.
I know this happens every single time and yet every time it does happen, it sets me on edge and I get mad at myself for the missteps. I can’t explain it appropriately but it’s like an electric current that sparks and arcs in the wrong patterns along wires.
Tomorrow, I have an afternoon time scheduled with the vet for pig castration. It’s going to throw my day for a loop and I’ll promise you I will be shedding some tears. Oh yes, I’m THAT farmer. The one that cries when her animals are hurt, even if it’s for their greater good. It just bothers me to no end.
I wish I could say I was one of those farmers that could just shut all these emotions off. I can’t. I’m okay with that. I care. I get out of step and things bother me. I am far from the perfect model of a farmer but, I’ll promise that no matter I am okay with shedding tears because I do CARE. I’ll promise that when things go completely wrong that it’s also completely right.
This life isn’t easy, sometimes made more difficult by our own hands and minds. It’s a business that runs like clockwork, has demanding clients (animals) and for this business, an over sensitive boss. I have days I’m angry beyond all reason. I have days I’m sad and I cry. I have days I’m happy over the antics of animals. Other days, I just feel blah and nearly blank of emotions. Those are my worst days. The days I question giving up.
Tomorrow, between the tears and getting yelled at by the vet for waiting so long (not all my fault either) I will have one of those blah moments. I wish I could say that since I know it’s coming, I won’t let it bother me, but ultimately the reality of it all is that I will. I will second guess what I’m doing. Second guess how I could allow it to happen.
Sometimes, there just aren’t enough hour in the day. That’s been the story of my life lately. Sometimes it’s so bad there aren’t enough days in the week. I wish I could say that life on the farm was perfect and things got done on time, every time. It doesn’t. There are too many factors. Factors that I can’t do some of the jobs that need doing alone. Factors that I’ve been rescheduled so many times with the vet (because larger farms take priority). Factors that I don’t have a hired hand or much help at all, other than one teenage girl.
So yeah, schedules change. Sometimes for the good and more times than not, for the bad. It’s all in a days work on the farm. It happens. Unfortunately.
The good news is that all my little pigs are doing great and growing good. Before I know it, they will be leaving. Only 6-1/2 weeks left. Then I’ll be waiting for the next batch to break into lap piglets that give me piggy kisses and bring a huge smile to my face. All I need to do is find a way to breath in each moment now.
As the day comes to a close, I’m thankful and blessed to be able to live this life. Even if it’s extremely hard at times. It’s made me into a stronger person in so many ways. For that alone, I’m forever thankful for all that I do have and I’ll forego thinking about that things that go wrong. I am blessed. I am a farm girl.